Not to sound horribly bitter or what, but I think birthdays just get more and more depressing as the years go by. Its not so much the getting older bit, I'm not that upset over not being able to sing "I am 16 going on 17" anymore, but more like you remember how good it all used to be and compare it to how fucked up it is now.

I think all the relationships that really really meant a fuck lot to me kinda died. There's Dell who's moved away and hardly ever calls anymore, Shane, Glenn and Tryna who just don't come around like they used to, and then there's the family. Its awful imagining myself as one of those screwed up kids who hate their parents or what. Mum threw some dumb party tonight just so that for once in the whole year she can put on a big show about how much she loves her daughter. Right. She didn't even wish me this morning. It was like bang bang bang on the door at 530. I got damn excited and ran to open thinking wow someone woke up early to wish me all and turns out she just yelled at me to go to school myself. I'm still waiting for the damn happy birthday.

Dad didn't even make it back for the 'party'. I have a feeling he's gone out somewhere to buy a present. I don't want anything from them. Not at all. Keep your fucking presents. As testament to how fucked up everything is, instead of my haagen dazs cake, I got bloody pandan kaya from bengawan solo. That's the cheapo cake we buy for class birthdays lah.

But I guess its like toughening up you know. Like instead of relying on your parents so much, you start leaning on your friends. And the friends have been absolutely fantastic. I love you all. I cleared my inbox at 11.30 last night and I've got 78 messages now. Of course there's Shane who sent me 17 happy birthday msgs but I feel really loved. I think the most touching one was from Punitha, my best IJ babe. I haven't spoken to her in months and she still remembered. I totally felt like crying reading her msg. Oh god I've just burst into tears now. Its so sweet. You're all so sweet.

Fuck there's some big drama going on outside. Gotta go.